Parshas Vaeschanan 5784 – Intriguing Questions & Answers
Revealing Personal Information About Someone’s Divorce or Broken Engagement
Q: I have been asked many times whether it is permitted to tell someone that someone got divorced or had a broken engagement when there is no toeles (benefit) from sharing this information. Many people speak like this out of naivety; I have even heard some people say that they never knew there was any question of lashon hara in mentioning that someone is divorced.
It is clear, however, that if someone shares this information because there is a toeles—such as when trying to find a shidduch for them, or for some other constructive reason—then assuming the conditions for toeles are met, it is allowed. However, the question arises when someone is talking without purpose, casually saying, “Did you hear that so-and-so got divorced?” Is this permitted?
A: I have heard several times from my Rebbi, Maran HaRav Avigdor Nebenzahl, shlit”a, that it appears from Rashi’s commentary to Kesuvos 51a that even the word “divorce” is considered a disgrace. Therefore, when there is no constructive purpose, it is forbidden to casually mention that someone is divorced, as it is demeaning to label someone as divorced—especially in our times, when people might assume that this means that the person has some character flaw or the like. Other Poskim have also advised caution in this matter. It is only permissible to tell others when there is a constructive purpose or if it is already well-known, but generally, if someone hears “fresh” news that so-and-so got divorced and shares it with others for pure “gossip,” there is a concern of lashon hara, and one must be very careful about this.
Therefore, if someone feels pressured by another person to reveal whether something happened to their friend—such as whether they are divorced or broke off an engagement—it seems that would only be permitted to respond in a general way, saying they didn’t get along, or they realized they weren’t a good match to build a home together, or something similar. But to disparage the person outright would be forbidden.
It is worth noting that regarding a broken engagement, there may very well be a constructive purpose, such as finding a future shidduch for the person, as this is something that must be disclosed so that it won’t be considered a mum (defect) later in the eyes of others—but this too must be done and said with sensitivity, in a manner that does not demean the person.
Ordering From a Waiter on Shabbos When He Will Write Down the Order
Q: A fine young married couple who stayed at a hotel last year during Bein Hazmanim asked me the following question. Someone had commented to them in the middle of Shabbos, “Why do you allow the non-Jewish waiter to write down your orders on Shabbos? You are causing him to write because of you, which is a meleches Shabbos, or at the very least a zilzul Shabbos.” Now, as he is about to go this year to the same hotel with non-Jewish waiters, he wants to know if it is necessary to refrain from ordering things that might lead the waiter to write, or if there is no such concern.
A: I have indeed heard that some Poskim encourage others to avoid this, since causing a non-Jew to write on Shabbos for one’s order is a zilzul Shabbos, a disrespect for Shabbos, as the leniency of “shvus d’shvus” (a double rabbinic prohibition) for the sake of a mitzvah does not apply in this case.
However, in my humble opinion, one may be lenient, that it is permitted, and there is no concern of zilzul because the waiter is only writing for his convenience, to remember what was ordered. The customer never asked him to write it; if the waiter had a good memory, he wouldn’t need to write it down. Therefore, it is permitted to tell the waiter what you want to order on Shabbos, even if you know he is likely to write it down.
Entering a Hotel Lobby to Enjoy the Air Conditioning
Q: Regarding your question of whether it is permissible during hot summer days to enter a hotel lobby and sit there for a while to cool off from the air conditioning, even if one is not staying there or planning to stay there?
A: The Poskim have taken the position that a person who is walking on a hot summer day and wishes to enter a hotel lobby or a store with good air conditioning if their entire intention is merely to rest a bit and enjoy the air conditioning, does not transgress the prohibition of gezeilah. The reason is that every hotel or store owner does not mind this, and sometimes it is even convenient for them when people enter because they might take an interest in the place or the goods for sale. For this reason, it is also permitted to enter a Seforim store and look at Seforim even if one does not intend to buy any (unless the store has a sign prohibiting it). See further Shevet HaKehati (6:551) where he discusses tasting from a nut store without permission and elaborates on when there are issues of gezeilah and when there are not. See also Responsa of Rivevos Ephraim (4:221) and the Sefer “V’Ein Lamo Michshol” (Vol. 9, p. 107). Additionally, see the Sefer “Mishpatei HaTorah” to Maseheches Bava Kama (§33).
Asking a Child or Someone Who Isn’t Stringent to Open a Bottle Cap on Shabbos
Q: Regarding someone who is strict about not opening bottle caps on Shabbos following the opinion of Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l, but not because they studied the topic and concluded that it is assur m’doraisa, but rather out of a personal stringency: Now, this person is staying in a hotel in Eretz Yisroel where all the waiters are Jewish, and he forgot to open his bottles before Shabbos. He is unsure whether he is allowed to ask a child or someone else who holds that it is permitted to open the bottle caps for him.
A: It seems to me that if this is a type of cap that is strictly forbidden to open on Shabbos, it is forbidden to ask a child to do it (e.g., a metal cap for wine, which many Poskim maintain is an issur d’oraisa). However, if one refrains from opening caps on Shabbos merely as a chumra, it would be permissible to ask a child or someone else to open it.
Asking a Child to Open a Bottle on Shabbos
Some of the great Poskim ruled, that one could ask a child to open the bottles on Shabbos, even if by doing so they are benefiting the parent. See it discussed in Sheilos U’Teshuvos Minchas Asher (Vol. 1, 11:5), where he concludes that if someone forgets to open bottles before Shabbos, they can ask a child to open them, relying on the leniency of Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, who permitted this. This was also the opinion of Maran HaRav Shmuel Wosner, zt”l, author of Shevet HaLevi, that it is permitted to allow a child to open the caps.
See also Teshuvos Chavos Yair (§122), who discusses at length the case of a yerei Shamayim whose father practiced excessive stringency in fasting. He concludes that the son is not required to follow his father’s extreme practices. Otherwise, how could it be that we find many righteous people throughout the generations who practiced extreme piety, yet their righteous sons did not follow the same practices? Moreover, even during the father’s lifetime, the son would be obligated, and therefore it should emerge that the son would be even stricter than his father, in that he would not be able to annul these stringencies, which is not the case. The Pischei Teshuva (Yoreh Deah, 214:5) quotes the Zichron Yosef (Yoreh Deah, §14), that if a son never adopted his father’s practice, he is not obligated to continue it. Thus, a father is not obligated to be mechanech his son in his own personal stringencies, just as he is not obligated to be mechanech him regarding hiddur ner Chanukkah, as brought in the Beur Halacha (675:3, ד”ה ולדידן). However, in Shailos U’teshuvos Mishnas Yosef (6:29), he wrote that a father who is meticulous about being among the first ten for a Minyan should be mechanech his sons to do the same. That case is different, for we find that R’ Yehoshua ben Levi instructed his sons to come early and stay late in the Beis Haknesses, as brought in the Tur (Siman 90). This also applies to young children, and therefore, a young child should be educated to rise early and stay late in the Beis Midrash morning and evening, as this grants them a long life. But this does not apply to other stringencies, provided that the Poskim do not consider it to be chilul Shabbos.
Therefore, it seems to me that one may not ask a child to open a bottle that an adult is strictly forbidden to open on Shabbos. However, if this is merely a chumra, it seems that one may ask a child to open it, based on the ruling of Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach and Maran HaRav Avigdor Nebenzahl, who allowed this.
Asking an Adult Who is Lenient to Open Bottles for Me
In regards to whether, one who is stringent about opening bottle caps on Shabbos, if they could ask someone else to open a bottle for them, some great poskim maintain that it is forbidden to ask them on the basis of lifnei iveir (putting a stumbling block in front of your friend). This, however, in my opinion is not so simple that one violates lifnei iveir when the other person maintains that it is permitted. This is subject to an argument between the Shaar Hamelech (Hil. Ishus, 9:16), who maintains that one does transgress lifnei iveir in such a case; and the Mabit (Vol. 1, Ch. 21), who says that one does not violate lifnei iveir in such a case. R’ Shlomo Zalman concludes that in a question of d’oraisa, one should be stringent like the opinion of Shaar Hamelech, but in cases of d’rabanan, one may be lenient.
In conclusion: If one holds that it is strictly permitted and is only stringent to account for the stringent opinions, then he may ask those who are lenient. However, if he studied the topic in depth, and concluded that it is forbidden, then he may not ask someone else to open it for him. Although R’ Elyashiv was stringent even if one only took this on as a stringency, nevertheless, it would appear that one may be lenient in a case where he forgot or did not have the chance to open them before Shabbos.
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