Parshas Matos-Masei 5784 – Intriguing Questions & Answers
I Forgot to Prepare Shirts for the Nine Days and Will Not Be Home Until Night. Can My Wife Wear My Shirts for Me?
Q:
I have been asked the following question numerous times over the years regarding preparing clothing for the Nine Days, when it is forbidden to wear freshly laundered clothing. Often, a person is very busy before Rosh Chodesh Av with daily life, work, learning, and the like, until the evening. The halachah against wearing freshly laundered clothing during the Nine Days requires wearing shirts, pants, dresses, etc., for some time so they lose their status as freshly laundered. The question is whether one could ask his wife to wear the shirts (at home) for some time to give them a worn, used feeling, or would that constitute the transgression of lo yilbash—the prohibition against a man wearing women’s clothing and a woman wearing men’s clothing?
A:
Firstly, I would like to point out some basic guidelines regarding preparing clothing for the Nine Days. As an act of mourning, Chazal enacted a prohibition for men, women, and children who have reached the age of chinuch against wearing freshly laundered clothing during the weekdays of the Nine Days (Orach Chaim 551:3). This basic prohibition applies to shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, sweaters, and other items. There is a dispute among the Poskim whether the prohibition includes undergarments or not; in practice, one should ask a Rav what to do.
Since as a matter of hygiene, it simply isn’t practical to wear the same clothing for nine days, Poskim advise that one should wear the clothing beforehand. Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach held that it must be worn long enough until it is noticeable that it was worn before Rosh Chodesh Av to lose its fresh look. Some say that half an hour is enough, while others require longer. One could save time by wearing a few shirts, one on top of the other, if doing so will cause it to lose its freshness.
In a case where one forgot to prepare his clothing, it should be noted that when Shabbos falls out in the beginning of the Nine Days, one may wear a few shirts on Shabbos and continue to wear them after Shabbos since they aren’t considered new anymore. Another option (even after Rosh Chodesh Av) is to place the shirts on the floor and step on them, or lie down on the shirt itself. This is accepted by most Poskim.
Regarding our specific question, where the person wants to have the clothing prepared already and not rely bidieved on stepping on them, we must consider whether the prohibition of lo yilbash applies here.
The basic guidelines for this prohibition are that the Torah (Devarim 22:5) prohibits women from wearing a man’s garment and men from wearing a woman’s garment; the Torah refers to this as an abomination. Two reasons are given for this prohibition: One is to maintain the sanctity of the Jewish people and prevent any conduct that may lead to immoral behavior (see Sefer HaChinuch 542-543). Another reason is offered by Rambam in Moreh Nevuchim (3:37), who writes that cross-gender dressing was the practice of some idol worshippers, and the Torah requires us to distance ourselves from such activities. The basis for allowing the wife to wear her husband’s shirts would be based on the well-known opinion of Bach (Yoreh Deah 182), who holds that cross-gender dressing is only an abomination if one is doing so in order to look like the opposite gender. However, if one has a different motive, it would be permitted. Thus in our case, where she is only wearing the shirt to help her husband be able to wear it during the Nine Days, the Bach would permit doing so. The same is true for the classic example of wearing her husband’s sweater when she is cold. Since she has no intention of looking like a man, this would be permitted according to Bach. This opinion of Bach is cited down by Shach and Taz (ibid.), but the Sefer Yad HaKetanah and Darchei Teshuvah (182:9) cite many Poskim who disagree with the Bach, and yet other Poskim who concur with his opinion. The consensus among the Poskim is to rely on the Bach only in a shas hedchak, a pressing situation, such as when she is very cold and has no other option, in which case she would be permitted to wear his sweater.
We must determine, then, whether this case would also be considered a shas hedchak or not (see Marsham 2:243). It would seem that one should not rely on this leniency in this case, since there are alternative ways to remove the freshness of one’s clothing during the Nine Days. Some Poskim (see Minchas Chen, Vol. 3, Yoreh Deah 30) advise, based on the Acharonim, that if she would like to wear a sweater or similar item for the purpose of warming herself, she should wear it under another garment. Therefore, in this case, we would advise her to wear the shirts under one of her own garments.
Teshuvah for Causing Pain to a Fellow Jew: Must One Say “He is Mochel” or Do Other Forms of Forgiveness Suffice?
Q:
Recently, someone making a cheshbon hanefesh during the Three Weeks sought forgiveness from specific individuals. Many responded with phrases like “It’s fine,” “You didn’t wrong me,” or “You don’t need to ask for forgiveness,” indicating that they held no grudge. However, this individual believed that forgiveness is only granted if the offended party explicitly says, “I am mochel you.” Do these alternative expressions suffice, or must the specific phrase be used?
A:
The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim 606:1) in Hilchos Yom Kippur states that Yom Kippur does not atone for sins between man and his fellow unless one seeks forgiveness from the person harmed. The Rema adds that one should not withhold forgiveness, unless it is to help the offender change their ways. The wording of Shulchan Aruch would seem to indicate that any form of forgiveness is acceptable, and there is no requirement for the specific phrase “I am mochel you.”
This ruling is supported by many prominent Poskim, including Rav Chaim Kanievsky ztz”l and Rav Dovid Feinstein ztz”l. The reasoning is that the primary obligation is (only) to seek and grant forgiveness and does not require specific terminology, as the process of annulling vows, for example, does require.
Some raise an objection based on the story of Yosef and his brothers, where Rabbeinu Bechaye (Bereishis 50:17) writes that one must use the words “I am mochel you.” This is evident by the fact that the sin of mechiras Yosef is remembered forever, and the subsequent martyrdom of the Ten Martyrs is linked to the brothers not seeking explicit forgiveness from Yosef, nor did Yosef explicitly forgive them. This would suggest the need for specific wording in forgiveness.
However, many Gedolim respond that this is not a requirement for effective forgiveness since the Shulchan Aruch and Poskim do not mention this in halachic texts. Others cite Teshuvos Rashi (Siman 245), indicating that acts such as kissing and hugging, which demonstrate forgiveness, are sufficient. Thus, showing forgiveness through actions or words, even without the specific phrase “I am mochel you,” is halachically acceptable.
Rav Neventzal shlit”a suggested that the case of Yosef and his brothers involved an elevated level of conduct (middas chasidus), and therefore, Hashem demanded more from them, which does not necessarily apply to the general requirement for seeking and granting forgiveness.
Buying Coffee from Non-Jewish Stores that Claim to Use Only Cholov Yisroel Milk
Q:
During the summer, I enjoy drinking iced coffee and often visit various stores that sell both kosher and non-kosher products. Some of these stores, like Dunkin Donuts and gas stations, claim to offer Cholov Yisroel for coffee, but they are not under any hashgachah nor do they have a mashgiach on site. Is it permitted to buy coffee with milk of my choice from these places, or must I suspect that the milk may be switched to non-kosher milk or Cholov Stam, which I try to avoid?
A:
This question has been frequently asked in recent years, and it is important to address common halachic concerns and the appropriate approach.
The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 118:1) states that if milk is left with a non-Jew without Jewish supervision and the non-Jew stands to benefit from switching it, the milk must have at least one seal to ensure it was not tampered with. Therefore, if one sees a worker opening a new Cholov Yisroel bottle, there is no need for concern. However, the issue arises when an opened bottle is used.
Regarding the suspicion that other milks may be mixed in, the halachos of Cholov Stam are relevant, as follows: If a Jew oversees the non-Jew, there is no concern about non-kosher milk being added. Some people are lenient in consuming Cholov Stam due to government regulations that penalize mixing in other types of milk, a leniency supported by Rav Moshe Feinstein ztz”l (who was even lenient for his own family, as related by R’ Aaron Felder ztz”l), although he advised a baal nefesh (a particularly pious person) not to rely on it. It is beyond the scope of this article to discuss this point further; what remains for us to determine is whether we must be concerned that he will mix in other milks.
Typically, in busy places with frequent customers, there is less concern about switching milk. However, there have been reports from witnesses who observed non-Jews in stores, late at night, mixing Cholov Yisroel with Cholov Stam milk to consolidate fridge space. This is a potential issue for those who strictly consume only Cholov Yisroel.
Additionally, Rav Yisroel Belsky zt”l, Rosh Yeshiva of Torah Vodaas and head of the OU, emphasized that it is bad chinuch to tell consumers to act as their own mashgiach in determining the kashrus of products.
In conclusion, while one may generally be lenient in most cases, it is important to be aware of the specific practices of each store. For those who strictly avoid Cholov Stam, extra caution is warranted, especially in stores where mixing of milks has been observed.
Take part in spreading the light! Email info@kollellihoraah.org for sponsorship opportunities. To receive this weekly publication via email, click here or email info@kollellihoraah.org. Visit www.kollellihoraah.org for more information.
Download the PDF -> Parshas Matos-Masei